So what first?

August 28...  grab a cup of coffee, this is a long post. :-)  If you are just joining it, read the previous entry first.

At Emily's doctor's appt in June when this all began, we started out with a basic blood test to see what was going on.  My fear was that Emily might have diabetes. That would be my worst nightmare.

Emily had gained 40 pounds in 2 years.  Another one of those "I didn't see it coming" moments.  What kind of parent lets this happen!?!  Emily had also grown close to a foot in those 2 years but that amount of weight gain was scary.  I was worried that there might be something else wrong -- maybe metabolic or even something genetic going on.  She is so tall for her age (11 years old and 5'8).  Her shoe size was at a 12.  And there was no way this 11 year old was done growing.  A base line blood test would be our start.

You'd think I would not have been surprised when the doctors office called with the results.  I didn't expect to get a glowing report but the news from the other end was heart wrenching. The results were not good, but thankfully, they were not as bad as they could have been.  Thank God, Emily did not have diabetes... but she was sitting on that doorstep.  No thyroid problem.  No growth issues. Just all the problems that go along with being so overweight.  My child had become a statistic.  She is the person the newspapers and TV talked about every other night about the crisis in America and I was the parent who let it happen. 

While this was going on, I couldn't help but think back that Tom and I had a similar, but more detailed, blood test done in Janaury called the Berkley Heart Test.  It looks at your cardiovascular risk markers and genetic tests that determine risk characteristics for heart disease and heart attack.  You have heard the stories of the perfectly healthy athlete out for a morning run and he drops dead of a heart attack?  This test tells you your risk of heart disease and likely hood of that happening.  Whether you are fit or fat, thin or thick, it is amazing and empowering to know what's going on inside your body and knowing that most of it can be improved or controlled to stop getting worse and even improve it! Robert is one of only 2 physicians in Augusta, that I know of, who orders this test and then can explain the results and help you develop a plan to prevent problems.

Even though Tom and I had the test done in January this year, I was obviously *not* interested in hearing the results because we waited 3 months to meet with Robert to review them.  I really thought Tom's test would have more issues than me.  He's much older, has arthritis, and a family history of heart disease.  I had none of that.  I was sure they were going to just tell me to lose weight.

When we went in for our Berkley results, I was floored.  Tom only had 1 or 2 things to work on in his blood results - his risk factors for heart disease and a heart attack were low. That was great!  Me, on the other hand, not so good.  There was as much "red" on that print-out the doctor was holding than on a first graders paper after a college-level algebra test!  WHAT?  I'm young, feel great, no heart issues in my family!  There is no way that just being overweight could cause all this?!  I was *sorely* mistaken.  I obvioulsy live on the "plug-my-ears-close-my-eyes-and-hum-really-loud-so-i-can-pretend-i-have-no-idea-whats-going-on-around-me" planet.  There were only 2 or 3 areas that I *didn't* have bad numbers.  Ya woulda thought that would have been my wake up call to take action!  But it wasn't.  I did nothing about it.  Nothing. N-o-t-h-i-n-g!  I'd worry about it TOMORROW.

That was in March and here we are drawing Emily's blood in June - my "mini-me".  This child who was within 5 pounds as me, as tall as me, and ate like me, why did I think her results would be any different than mine?  But it never, ever, *EVER* occurred to me that in her few short years, that her results would even come close to mine.  I had 40 years to destroy my body, she's only at a handful.  Strike 2 for me.

Emi's fasting insulin levels were high like mine, her metabolism was low like mine, triglycerides were high - ditto for me, bad cholesterol was high -yup for me too, and the worst part was her coronary heart ratio was above the high point of the range.  Guess what club she just joined?  The one I was leading.  She about mirrored me. Do you know what that means?  It means my 11yo child had high risk of coronary disease and a heart attack.  SHE IS ELEVEN!  I beat myself up for days. I still do. I hated myself. Tom was out of town so I was dealing with this news solo. What was I thinking all these years?  How did I let this happen?  Why did I not take this seriously a year ago, 2 or 3 years ago?  Didn't I love her or care about her?  I just helped her health fall apart.  I HELPED HER GET HERE!!  There is no amount of consoling that would take that fact away.

Emily's test results combined also equaled metabolic syndrome.  Her body did not burn fat efficiently and that was probably why even our small attempts at weight watchers or cutting back or just "eating better" were futile in the past. If the furnace is not lit, ain't nothin' gonna burn.

So what does all that mean?  It means that just cutting back on food or just walking a little more were not going to work.  At this point, we had to reset her metabolism to get it going again.  We had to retrain her body to burn fat and function better.  It meant we had to give it the food it needed and it was not what we were currently eating.

During this meeting and in the days that followed, I learned so much from Robert and his wife Gail about how the body works, how it deals with foods, how all these factors played into disease as well as health.  I also learned that all Emily's issues were completely reversible but the time was NOW and it was up to me.  I had a choice to either make a change and suck it up and take the anger that would surely ensue from my kids or just give up, say this would be too hard for me to do, be too far out of my comfort zone, and just keep on the way we were because it was easier on me.

Emily was 100% curable and I could cure her but I could not wait for tomorrow.  After all the guilt I had of what I had done TO her, by the grace of God, I was given a chance to HELP her. What a gift of encouragement for me!  I was never more "in" to meeting a challenge than this one before me.  I had to redeem myself and be the mom I had not been and change everything my family knew about food. And I knew they would HATE me on the way.

Robert said we only have 2 rules to follow.  Well that sounds EASY!!  2 rules!!  Bring 'em on!  No books to read, no 'points' to count, no journals or diaries to keep.  All that was too much work and it was not a lifestyle and probably would not be maintained for long.  I had to keep in mind that kids have different nutritional needs than adults so my old college way of dieting by just not eating all day and drinking diet soda would not work.  We needed something we could live with forever -- we needed a new way to EXIST.  If I wanted to fix this mess I caused, all I had to do was 2 things: remove flour and added-sugar from our diet..............................................

And then there was the longest pause EVER heard in the universe. Say again?  We have to eliminate WHAT? And I began to doubt my ability to succeed.

I immediately started thinking that this was impossible.  Flour and sugar was probably an ingredient in 90% of our diet if I really thought about it.  Cereal for breakfast or pancakes with syrup.  Sandwiches on bread for lunch.  Spaghetti for dinners. Spaghetti was a main food group in our house!!  Right up there with Cherrios every morning!  What would be left?  But, therein was the root of our health problems. If we were continue to put the wrong gas in our "car", sooner or later, the engine was going to shut off.  There just was no other choice. NO OTHER CHOICE.

After I got over the initial 5-minutes of shock and processed what I was hearing, Robert and I got down to the nuts and bolts of how this would work. He said he tells the patients in his obesity clinic the same thing but many of them give up before they start or try it for a week and quit.  Too hard.  Too much work. They don't agree with him. It's "not normal" for them.  I can see where they are coming from but I just can't imagine that option of saying no.  I mean, really, how many "up-sides" are there to diabetes or heart disease staring you in the face for your child???

I have now dubbed myself as the "Food Nazi".  I was getting ready to embark on a venture that would make my kids HATE me and test my own limits.  You have to know that I KNEW that I KNEW the kids would NOT agree with this, they would fight me every inch of the way!  I could only imagine the tears that were gonna flow as soon as this plan was launched at our house. There was no way any of my kids were going to do this happily or willfully.  I was going to be the most hated and loathed human on the face of the earth.  But you know what, I knew my kids could not hate me any more than I hated myself for getting us here in the first place.  I needed to suck it up and *be the mom*!  This was not a popularity contest and I was not in this to make friends.  I was going to do what was BEST for them knowing all along I was going to win the Meanest  and Most Hated Mom of the Year Award. Let the voting begin.

Here's the 2 simple eating rules of our new life with a little more detail...
#1:  Flour.
None.  Nodda.  Zip. Gone. So what does THAT mean?  It all comes down to one thing -- reading the ingredient label on the package.  If the word FLOUR is in the list of ingredients, that food was off limits in our house.  Period. No exceptions.  White flour, bleached or unbleached flour, wheat, stone ground, semolina - if it says "flour" in the ingredients on the box, it had to go.  For the past 4+ years, we had been eating bread made with 100% stone ground flour thinking we were doing a good thing. No white bread here -- that was bad -- only stone ground flour for us!  I thought I had been making these great choices with eating wheat products instead of white.  That was supposed to be the healthy choice. I have so much to learn.

Robert explained to me why flour had to go... even whole wheat or stone ground flour - the stuff I thought was good.  From my layman interpretation, with upfront apologies to Robert for getting ready to give the worst medical interpretation of body processes ever given on the face of the earth, here goes:  flour is digested by the body quickly since it has been already ground down to it's finest form.  It's been pulverized for me outside my body so my body doesn't have to do any work to digest it after I eat it.  The flour turns to sugar (hope I'm saying that right) and our body gets an immediate sugar rush which gives us fast energy. It also causes an insulin spike to deal with that influx of sugar and since Emily has insulin issues, we have to give the pancreas a break.  If it keeps pumpin' out tons of insulin because of all the constant sugar, one day it will stop.  That's when insulin shots are needed for your new friend, diabetes.  After the sugar spikes, it drops fast, your body energy drops, you are tired and moody and begin to crave your next fix of sugar.  And the cycle repeats.  My new job was to starve Emily's body of that sugar spike.  OK... flour is gone.  For all of us.

If you stop and think about it, what in your diet has flour?  It would probably be easier to tell you what *didn't* have flour.  In our house, all cereal had to go. That one item would be enough to cause my kids to want to move in with their Mimi.  Crackers were gone, bread too. Tortillas, chips, pretzels, croutons, muffins, pasta, cookies, pancakes, baking mixes, cookies, sweets... it all had to go.  Did you know many canned soups have flour as an ingredient??  Really?!? It had to go too. I had to re-learn how to read labels again on everything I purchased and if that one little simple word was in the ingredient list, it had to go.  I challenge you -- go check your pantry.  I think you will be floored at all the stuff that has flour.  Now imagine that you threw it all away.  I did... and it was not a pretty site.  My neighbors thought we were moving out since we donated bags and bags and bags of food to their house.

So you might be thinking, why did I "torture" my entire family when only 2 of us were overweight?  Why didn't just Emily and I do this and leave everyone else alone?  Here's what I also learned from Robert... no one in my family will be hurt with this way of eating.  Each one of them could benefit on a different level if they did this too.  There is no downside for even a skinny person to drop the flour.  And since every person in my family could stand to lose 5 or 10 pounds, even my 8year old who is NOT overweight, everyone could benefit.  I also knew that even if the rest of the family was not in the danger zone today like Emily and me, how much longer before they joined us if they kept eating all the wrong stuff I was feeding them which got Emily and I here in the first place?  It sure would be harder to fix this problem in 5 years when they were all rebellious teenagers with much more intense schedules who were almost too old to be under the iron thumb of their mom and ate out with their friends all the time than to fix it now.  I buy the food and cook it so they had to eat what I served.  The could not hop in their own car and drive through McDonalds if they didn't like what I cooked.  Now was the best time since I control their life. (insert devilish, cackling, hand twisting, villain laugh here).

This venture was not going to be a short term, 6-month weight loss program.  This was learning new, or UN-LEARNING years of bad eating habits.  If I re-teach my family now everything I am learning about food, and WHY we are doing what we are doing and HOW this food affects them, how to read a label and what to look for on that label, maybe this cycle will stop and they will not repeat it with their kids down the road.  Maybe if they learn it now, they will have the knowledge and ability to make good choices when I am not there hovering over them.

We eat and live as a family and even if Emily and I were the only ones with big weight issues, this family was going to do everything it could to support each other.  I was not going to single Emily and I out as the "fat people on a diet" while everyone else ate pizza.  We were going to be the family who ate better regardless of how much any of us weighed.  And our bodies would heal themselves in the process.  We were at a cross-roads and I was determined that we were all going to do this together, for each other, because families support each other in times of need.

#2:  Sugar.
The second thing on our "no-no" list was sugar.  Awww, dang it!!  I love sugar!  It calls to me!  THIS rule was gonna be tougher than flour. So I took a deep breath and had to put on my big girls panties and suck it up (as my friend Vicki would say).  So here is how the no-sugar rule goes.  We CAN have things with sugar BUT it cannot have "added" sugar to the ingredients.  When I read the nutrition label on a product, there might be grams of sugar on the label as long as there is NO form of sugar in the list of ingredients - that would mean sugar had been ADDED to the item and that is a no-no.  I have also learned how many dozens of words mean sugar... and every one of them is off-limits.... sugar, cane juice, syrups, and molasses, for a start, and a bunch of chemically sounding names for sugar -- sucralose comes to mind.  I found this on a website and want to share:

Sugar (in one form or another) is added to more food products than you can imagine. There are also a large number of "variants" of sugar - depending on the kind of processing that has occurred. Here is a list to get you started in identifying sugars:

1. Brown sugar
2. Corn syrup
3. Demerara Sugar
4. Dextrose
5. Free Flowing Brown Sugars
6. Fructose
7. Galactose
8. Glucose
9. High Fructose Corn Syrup
10. Honey
11. Invert Sugar
12. Lactose
13. Malt
14. Maltodextrin
15. Maltose
16. Maple syrup
17. Molasses
18. Muscovado or Barbados Sugar
19. Panocha
20. Powdered or confectioner's sugar
21. Rice Syrup
22. Sucrose
23. Sugar (granulated)
24. Treacle
25. Turbinado sugar

DANG!  That's a lot!!  Now remember, there CAN be sugar listed in grams on the *nutrition label*, because tomatoes might naturally have sugar in them so of course that sugar would be in the product, but there CANNOT be extra sugar added in the manufacturing process. The sugar has to come naturally from the ingredients.  For instance, we can have applesauce as long as it's unsweetened.  That means they haven't added *extra* sugar to the already high sugar content of apples themselves. The ingredient labels says "apples, water".  That's it.  So apples are OK on this diet but *sweetened* applesauce is not.  Our salsa, as another example, has 2g of sugar on the nutrition label but when you read the ingredients, it only lists tomatoes, chilis, water, spices - no form of "sugar" is in the ingredients so our salsa is ok even though it says there are 2g of sugar per serving -- the sugar is naturally occurring from the ingredients.  Does that make sense?

If I thought we were going to lose 70% of our pantry when the flour was gone, another 25% is about to be thrown out with this little sugar "no-no" rule.  Robert reminded me that sugar is NOT on the food pyramid and our body does not need it to survive. Good point.  I'm sure the kids would understand now and be 100% willing to go along with this gleefully. :-)  NOT!  To them, sugar is the other major food group after spaghetti and cheerios.

Now, more of the Jennifer's non-medical re-hashing of how sugar hurts us.  Sugar, like flour, digests quickly thus raising that insulin level needed to process it in our body.  Our body reacts to the sugar with a rush of energy which, after digested, drops our blood sugar level so quickly that your body craves more to keep going.  Like cigarettes having nicotine, you get a rush from it and after that "high", your body craves more and it will not rest until you feed the craving.  My job was to starve our bodies of it's craving for sugar and flour and retrain our body to stop looking for the quick fix of sugar to burn but to retrain the body to start burning fat instead.  The only way to do that is to eliminate sugar and flour completely... and by completely, I mean COMPLETELY. With NO CHEATING.  We have to give our body no other choice but to turn to burning stored fat and burning it quicker and more efficiently.

This will be a good time for me to remind you again that this is my nutritional interpretation of what a very smart and educated man was so patiently trying to explain to me.  I'm sure some of you medical people out there can say it better and might even tell me I have my facts mixed up but it really doesn't matter.  I heard the key points as no sugar, no flour and NO CHEATING while we worked to reset Emily's metabolism.  I don't need to understand it completely, that's what Robert has spent many many years learning.  I'm a good follower if you give me a plan.  There is no time to learn the details of why this would work, I just had to have faith that he said it would.  There was a medical reason for everything we were doing from a doctor I VERY much trusted.

So how long are we talking about here?  How long do we have to do this?  The word forever scared me.  It might take 2 weeks, 4, or even 6 weeks for Emily's body to change and kick her metabolism into a higher gear.  Everyone is different so my initial focus was let's tackle this for 6-weeks.  We will go 100% commando and do this perfectly for 6 weeks and re-evaluate.  School began in 6-weeks so that would be a good point to re-evaluate.  So that's what I aimed for. I can do this for 6-weeks. Then we'll go for another 6-weeks.  I figured that if it took me a few years to destroy by body, it might take a *little* longer than 6-weeks to fix it so that will just be check-point #1.

I liked that this was not a fab book with the diet flavor of the month in it. I had to be a 100%, completely focused Food-Nazi and give my child's body time to reset its metabolism so it started burning food more efficiently so her body would work FOR her, not against her. I had to give her body time to heal itself with food after all these years of letting food hurt it.  6 weeks is do-able for anyone.  And I could either have them mad at me for 6 weeks now because they could not have cheerios and had to eat more fruit or despise me as a 300-pound sick and overweight adult with major health issues that has shortened their life expectancy in 20 years.  Really, is there a choice?  However you want to explain it, that was the bottom line.

Failure could not be an option in this game.  This was not a trial run.  We were going to move forward one meal at a time. I put on my bullet-proof vest and was going into battle for my kids and dragging them behind me, like it or not.  I'm the adult and their whining would not win.  There is too much at stake.  Now I had to figure out what we were going to eat for dinner and how I was going to tell the kids.

JSC

You came here for something... and it probably wasn't boredom. I am here for something... and I promise it's not because of boredom. Maybe this little corner of the internet can be a kind of therapy for both of us.

So why am *I* here? I am on a journey to rescue my daughter. I'm determined to give back to her something that I have taken from her for a long time -- her health. And the whole family is going along for this ride. I'm determined that a lifetime of good will come from this fork in the road our family is taking. It's a road WAY less traveled but one more of us should be on. I am determined that I will be the role model and teacher that I should be. And I am determined to fix this mess I have made.

I feel it's important for you to know the "why" before the "how" so telling you WHY I have decided now is the time to do this is as important as telling you HOW I'm fixing the mess I have caused and taking my family with me. Maybe our WHY's will be similar and you might want to join us on the HOW to get it done.

My daughter, Emily, is 11 year old and my 3rd child. She's my "mini-me" and I adore her. A clone if I've ever seen one. She looks like me, she's creative like me, and she's a leader like me. She likes to write, like me, and she may only be 11 but she's also as tall as me! She wears glasses like me - even wanted the same exact pair so we could be even more twins! She's a night owl like me, loves Chinese food like me, and organization is not her forte'... like me. She's a hugger, like me too. She's happy and lets life roll off her, like me. She's optimistic... just like... me. She is all things "me"!

But there is one "like me" that I wish I would not have passed to this sweet and happy child of mine. One thing that I never wanted to pass to any of my kids. I passed on some pretty great things to the kids but one bad thing Ipassed on to Emily, one thing bad she and I share, is our weight. Almost to the same exact pound. This sweet 11yo daughter of mine is very overweight... like me... worse of all... *because* of me. It's not her fault. She had no role in it. She doesn't buy it, make it, pack it, stock it, or offer it. Her struggles in her short 11 years of life are because of me and my guilt is heavy.

I wonder often why things had to get this far out of hand before I said *enough*? Maybe because looking at Emily is like looking in the mirror, and since I have never been motivated to make changes just for *me*, I really didn't see what was happening to *her*. I guess I was in denial. I guess I pretended it wasn't that big of a problem or that it would fix itself eventually. One day, not today, but maybe tomorrow, I'd figure out what I needed to do to fix this.

I guess I never really cared enough about "weight" when it was my own battle. I was young, healthy. I wasn't hurting anyone else. This was my own issue. I wasn't motivated enough to try and save me from myself and make a change. Nothing pressing to make me act. And, really, I didn't have a clue WHAT to do even if I wanted to. I would just worry about "me" later... tomorrow. Anyway, I did not have time to do the work it would take to change me. I had plenty of time to make changes. I am young! What I saw in the mirror every day didn't matter - my weight was invisible to me. I was happy and life was good, so there was no need to rush. I'll just worry about it tomorrow.

But Emily was my awakening.

I have been slowing moving toward being overweight all my adult life - at least 20 years. But Emily's life has only been 11 short years so far and this sweet child of mine has dealt with a weight problem for half of it. And it sure wasn't her fault. I did this to her. Me, her mom who loves her, has *done* this to her.

I was thin as a child but Emily never had that pleasure. Because of what I have done, she has been teased and taunted, sometimes mercilessly, for years. I have done that to her. It's not her fault she is overweight but she is paying for it. And it breaks my heart because I caused it.

My weight started to rise in college. 18 years old. A pound here, a pound there. And I never even saw it coming. I mean, who really notices a pound or 2 in a month? I'll worry about it later... after this test, after vacation, after the holiday is over, when summer gets here... I would address it tomorrow. After all, the college dining plan was "all you can eat" heaven 3 meals a day! And coming home from college a couple times a month to all my favorite comfort foods was something I looked forward to! Mom always would make my absolute favorites on the weekend and even send me back with leftovers and I loved every bite of it. Hey, it was only a couple pounds and everyone gains some weight in college, right? All fun times included food. Happiness was found around a dining room table with laughing family and of course, a great dinner. And friendships include lunch dates a few times a week. Studying included snacking. Being sad was accompanied by something sweet to take the edge off the sadness. Looking back, everything I did included some type of food and I didn't have limits. I didn't go to food for comfort, but everything comforting I did had food. But, there was always tomorrow and it was only a couple of pounds.

After college there were more excuses -- having 4 kids in 5 years was the first one. You can't "diet" while being pregnant and nursing a baby. Every pregnant lady has cravings and we have to indulge them. Every pregnancy book I read gave me permission to gain weight for the sake of the baby. NO DIETS! Then, who has time to cook with all these toddlers underfoot? And what is childhood without happy meals and Chuck E Cheese? That's where families go for fun, right? Memories are made around a dining room table. Big families have lots of birthdays and every one of those included going out to dinner followed by cake and ice cream. It was a party and all good parties had food! And we can't forget that every other month was a holiday and our family has some GREAT recipes that were obligatory seasonal and holiday foods. No one forced it on me. I sure wasn't suffering in the process! I love the feeling of a great meal surrounded by a big family having fun so we did that often.

There was always an excuse to eat. And I never even noticed the single pound here and there. And hey, I was already married and he wasn't complaining. My friends weren't leaving me. The kids loved me. It wasn't *that* bad. It was only a couple pounds.

You adjust the image you have of yourself to be what you see every day. Just like you don't notice a strand or 2 of gray hair but one day it's everywhere! Where did all that gray come from and why did I never see it?? It's not like 90 pounds dropped out of the sky one day to make me take note. A pound here or there. It was slight and gradual and I never saw it coming. And since the journey was paved with fun and great memories, I wasn't regretting anything I saw.

Who would have thought that 20 years after starting college, coming to today, those few extra Freshman pounds would have grown to an extra 90? 90 pounds! Are you kidding me? 90 pounds are those bariatric surgery shows! That's not me! How and when did this happen? I never even saw it coming.

It was too much work to "diet". And we all know that diet means "starve" and I didn't like that. Dieting meant no lunch dates anymore so I wasn't ready to say no to friendships. No way! I can't give up my friends. Dieting way saying no sweets at Christmas. Nope. Christmas was about divinity and fudge. I'm not giving up Christmas. Dieting was skipping seconds at Thanksgiving and if you have ever tasted my mom's food, you won't say no to seconds at Thanksgiving either. I wasn't up for this dieting thing. So, I might not have seen it coming, but I guess I didn't want to look hard enough because I wasn't ready for the sacrifice. Dieting is sacrifice. Do with less, be hungry, hurt, unhappiness, grumpy... who wants that? NOT ME! Food surrounded everything happy, eating was done with family. Please know there was no "closet eating" here. I'm no binge'er. We celebrated together around a table with a 2nd helping of mashed potatoes and gravy with white cake covered in brown sugar frosting for dessert. And I was happy. Who'd have thought that a single pound or 2 every few months, over a few years - 20 years - would have added up? Not me, that's for sure!

I still don't really see those extra 90 pounds when I look in the mirror. I don't. Not 90. It's just a little bit of weight I have to lose. I lie to myself. I don't own a scale. It's easier to avoid reality and stepping on that was a slap in the face. And heck, I wasn't going to do anything about my weight anyway. Tomorrow.

I don't remember what I looked like 10 years ago. What I do remember is that I never, ever would say that I liked how I looked. I always felt I had a few pounds to lose regardless of the weight I was at at the time but a few pounds was easy enough to lose... one day. I never liked how I looked in photos either so there are not that many of me over the past 20 years. That's sad in itself.  But looking back now, I would love to be as "fat" as I was 10, 15, or 20 years ago because it was 30, 50, 90 pounds less than today!

When I look in the mirror today, I only remember what I saw yesterday, and it looked pretty close to what I see today. Who notices a few ounces a day? The small things really added up though. 90 extra pounds! What was I thinking?!?! That's another whole person! What I see in the mirror today is not what I thought "100 extra pounds" looks like. The picture in my mind of "obese" were those people who need 2 seats at restaurants or those with a tummy that walked through the door a full 10 seconds before their nose did. 100 pounds overweight was what reality TV was made of. I don't look like *that*! I might have a little extra around the middle, the tush might be a little fuller, but look at that lady over there who's dripping off both sides of her chair - now THAT is what ONE HUNDRED extra pounds looks like... not me!

I've stayed right at this weight where I am now for at least the past 5 or 6 years. I've gotten to this weight and stayed put. I guess it has balanced out. I have been within 5 pounds of my current weight for a few years. I'm comfortably round. It didn't seem to bother anyone else and it sure hasn't bothered me enough to do anything about it. I do a lot of activities with the kids, have lots of friends, have a great husband and kids who never judge me. I am happy and obviously not too put-off by what I see in the mirror. It's only a couple of pounds.

OK. So that brings us to now. What has changed? Why now? Simple answer. Emily. I feel, I hope, God is using her to get through to me to hit me right between the eyes that things have GOT to change... NOW. Please understand that I am not saying God caused this. I take full responsibility for that. I feel God is using Emily as a wake up call for me to finally make "tomorrow" into "today" and see that I am the one who needs to undo what I have done to my entire family. Emily and I are not the only ones overweight, but they are just not as bad as the 2 of us. Everyone in my family eats the same meals but Emily and I are the two with the bigger hill to climb. And we're dragging the rest of the crew with us so that one day when they grow up and have families, they never have to have the guilt that they repeated the only things they learned from their mom about eating and do this same thing to their kids. I don't want them to ever have the hurt and guilt that I have -- a problem that could have been prevented.

So, what do I want to accomplish? Health. I now know IT'S NOT TOO LATE! It's never too late!  This is fixable.  Why this blog? Awareness, I guess. Admitting my shortcomings. And maybe saying what I have done might help someone else. Who knows. I know Emily and I are not the only ones with a weight issue. And if *I* am what "obese" looks like, then maybe this can be a wake up call for other parents to take ownership of their kids' health so the legacy they pass on is not pain, sadness, teasing, and sickness but rather health and happiness for a lifetime.

Emily's 11year-old, well-child, annual visit to the pediatrician was the beginning for me. Realizing I could not do this alone and asking for help was the first step. Being open to hearing the results and not pretending the elephant was not in the room was key. I had to hear it straight without any fluff. I needed that doctor to be straight with me because I was finally scared and needed to do something -- for Emily's sake. There was no time to protect my feelings. Call it as you see it. Me and my daughter were obese and her health was silently deteriorating. Next was a referral to a friend - who is also a pediatrician with an amazing passion for health and also works with overweight kids. It is such a God thing how our paths have lined up for the past few years so that I was open to receiving his help. Robert helped me develop a plan and told me how it was. I will never be able to express to him enough how I needed that straight talk. I wish more doctors were as matter of fact and straight forward.  But in the end, even with the facts, it all comes down to me. I could act, or make another excuse. In the end, the information is always there for all of us, we just have to choose to do something with it.  But it is easier to begin this huge change with a coach and cheerleader in your corner to help decipher the info and hold my hand day-by-day and help ME make a change and help ME understand WHY I was doing what I was doing and HOW it would help my child.  This is not something that can be written on a paper and sent away with a parent and an appointment to come back in 6-months to see how things are going.  This is intense and daily and overwhelming.  This is a LIFE change.  Robert didn't give me a flyer telling me to eat more fruits and veggies and skip McDonalds. I already had that meeting with a nutritionist a few years ago and it was useless. I knew that already. Robert did it different. And that made the difference.

Before now, I wasn't willing to do this work for *me* but now, I could, and I WOULD, do it for *Emily*. This was bigger than me now. God gave me this beautiful child and I was causing her pain. It was time to make "tomorrow" be my "today". And the clock was ticking.

So back to this blog... I've been oblivious to the obvious for so long that I'm hoping that by putting it all out there for anyone to see, I'll be able to face the monster I've created and conquer it. And if some one person can relate or be helped, than maybe we can trudge through this together. There are strength in numbers. But there is also power in ONE, and I am ONE, and I'm starting this climb on my own and taking my family with me. That's all I can do. But that is enough.

My family has been on this journey toward health for 8 weeks and 5 days today. We do count every day. If I don't see today for what it is, it fades away and a day becomes a week, a month, a year, 20 years... and look amazed at how time has flown by!! And that attitude got me where I am today. Our family now counts today as a day that counts toward making a change. A step on a long, long journey.

Now that you have an idea of the WHY I'm doing this, I'll start again tomorrow and let you follow the HOW. I do know that even if you don't have a weight issue to deal with, the HOW I'll share with you about HOW we are living now will benefit everyone. Fit or fat. And I have actual proof of it. I'll share that too. We are talking about our kids health here. No parent out that wants anything to hurt their kids so this process is teaching me not to hurt them with food. I have learned, and want to share with everyone, that food can hurt you. But I also love the fact that food can also heal. And the healing is beginning for my family. And it's working.

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