WHY - Read First

This is the first entry I posted in 2009 about what we are doing.  It will explain what and why we are doing No Sugar/No Flour (NSNF):

You came here for something... and it probably wasn't boredom. I am here for something... and I promise it's not because of boredom. Maybe this little corner of the internet can be a kind of therapy for both of us.

So why am *I* here? I am on a journey to rescue my daughter. I'm determined to give back to her something that I have taken from her for a long time -- her health. And the whole family is going along for this ride. I'm determined that a lifetime of good will come from this fork in the road our family is taking. It's a road WAY less traveled but one more of us should be on. I am determined that I will be the role model and teacher that I should be. And I am determined to fix this mess I have made.

I feel it's important for you to know the "why" before the "how" so telling you WHY I have decided now is the time to do this is as important as telling you HOW I'm fixing the mess I have caused and taking my family with me. Maybe our WHY's will be similar and you might want to join us on the HOW to get it done.

My daughter, Emily, is 11 year old and my 3rd child. She's my "mini-me" and I adore her. A clone if I've ever seen one. She looks like me, she's creative like me, and she's a leader like me. She likes to write, like me, and she may only be 11 but she's also as tall as me! She wears glasses like me - even wanted the same exact pair so we could be even more twins! She's a night owl like me, loves Chinese food like me, and organization is not her forte'... like me. She's a hugger, like me too. She's happy and lets life roll off her, like me. She's optimistic... just like... me. She is all things "me"!

But there is one "like me" that I wish I would not have passed to this sweet and happy child of mine. One thing that I never wanted to pass to any of my kids. I passed on some pretty great things to the kids but one bad thing I passed on to Emily, one thing bad she and I share, is our weight. Almost to the same exact pound. This sweet 11yo daughter of mine is very overweight... like me... worse of all... *because* of me. It's not her fault. She had no role in it. She doesn't buy it, make it, pack it, stock it, or offer it. Her struggles in her short 11 years of life are because of me and my guilt is heavy.

I wonder often why things had to get this far out of hand before I said *enough*? Maybe because looking at Emily is like looking in the mirror, and since I have never been motivated to make changes just for *me*, I really didn't see what was happening to *her*. I guess I was in denial. I guess I pretended it wasn't that big of a problem or that it would fix itself eventually. One day, not today, but maybe tomorrow, I'd figure out what I needed to do to fix this.

I guess I never really cared enough about "weight" when it was my own battle. I was young, healthy. I wasn't hurting anyone else. This was my own issue. I wasn't motivated enough to try and save me from myself and make a change. Nothing pressing to make me act. And, really, I didn't have a clue WHAT to do even if I wanted to. I would just worry about "me" later... tomorrow. Anyway, I did not have time to do the work it would take to change me. I had plenty of time to make changes. I am young! What I saw in the mirror every day didn't matter - my weight was invisible to me. I was happy and life was good, so there was no need to rush. I'll just worry about it tomorrow.

But Emily was my awakening.

I have been slowing moving toward being overweight all my adult life - at least 20 years. But Emily's life has only been 11 short years so far and this sweet child of mine has dealt with a weight problem for half of it. And it sure wasn't her fault. I did this to her. Me, her mom who loves her, has *done* this to her.

I was thin as a child but Emily never had that pleasure. Because of what I have done, she has been teased and taunted, sometimes mercilessly, for years. I have done that to her. It's not her fault she is overweight but she is paying for it. And it breaks my heart because I caused it.

My weight started to rise in college. 18 years old. A pound here, a pound there. And I never even saw it coming. I mean, who really notices a pound or 2 in a month? I'll worry about it later... after this test, after vacation, after the holiday is over, when summer gets here... I would address it tomorrow. After all, the college dining plan was "all you can eat" heaven 3 meals a day! And coming home from college a couple times a month to all my favorite comfort foods was something I looked forward to! Mom always would make my absolute favorites on the weekend and even send me back with leftovers and I loved every bite of it. Hey, it was only a couple pounds and everyone gains some weight in college, right? All fun times included food. Happiness was found around a dining room table with laughing family and of course, a great dinner. And friendships include lunch dates a few times a week. Studying included snacking. Being sad was accompanied by something sweet to take the edge off the sadness. Looking back, everything I did included some type of food and I didn't have limits. I didn't go to food for comfort, but everything comforting I did had food. But, there was always tomorrow and it was only a couple of pounds.

After college there were more excuses -- having 4 kids in 5 years was the first one. You can't "diet" while being pregnant and nursing a baby. Every pregnant lady has cravings and we have to indulge them. Every pregnancy book I read gave me permission to gain weight for the sake of the baby. NO DIETS! Then, who has time to cook with all these toddlers underfoot? And what is childhood without happy meals and Chuck E Cheese? That's where families go for fun, right? Memories are made around a dining room table. Big families have lots of birthdays and every one of those included going out to dinner followed by cake and ice cream. It was a party and all good parties had food! And we can't forget that every other month was a holiday and our family has some GREAT recipes that were obligatory seasonal and holiday foods. No one forced it on me. I sure wasn't suffering in the process! I love the feeling of a great meal surrounded by a big family having fun so we did that often.

There was always an excuse to eat. And I never even noticed the single pound here and there. And hey, I was already married and he wasn't complaining. My friends weren't leaving me. The kids loved me. It wasn't *that* bad. It was only a couple pounds.

You adjust the image you have of yourself to be what you see every day. Just like you don't notice a strand or 2 of gray hair but one day it's everywhere! Where did all that gray come from and why did I never see it?? It's not like 90 pounds dropped out of the sky one day to make me take note. A pound here or there. It was slight and gradual and I never saw it coming. And since the journey was paved with fun and great memories, I wasn't regretting anything I saw.

Who would have thought that 20 years after starting college, coming to today, those few extra Freshman pounds would have grown to an extra 90? 90 pounds! Are you kidding me? 90 pounds are those bariatric surgery shows! That's not me! How and when did this happen? I never even saw it coming.

It was too much work to "diet". And we all know that diet means "starve" and I didn't like that. Dieting meant no lunch dates anymore so I wasn't ready to say no to friendships. No way! I can't give up my friends. Dieting way saying no sweets at Christmas. Nope. Christmas was about divinity and fudge. I'm not giving up Christmas. Dieting was skipping seconds at Thanksgiving and if you have ever tasted my mom's food, you won't say no to seconds at Thanksgiving either. I wasn't up for this dieting thing. So, I might not have seen it coming, but I guess I didn't want to look hard enough because I wasn't ready for the sacrifice. Dieting is sacrifice. Do with less, be hungry, hurt, unhappiness, grumpy... who wants that? NOT ME! Food surrounded everything happy, eating was done with family. Please know there was no "closet eating" here. I'm no binge'er. We celebrated together around a table with a 2nd helping of mashed potatoes and gravy with white cake covered in brown sugar frosting for dessert. And I was happy. Who'd have thought that a single pound or 2 every few months, over a few years - 20 years - would have added up? Not me, that's for sure!

I still don't really see those extra 90 pounds when I look in the mirror. I don't. Not 90. It's just a little bit of weight I have to lose. I lie to myself. I don't own a scale. It's easier to avoid reality and stepping on that was a slap in the face. And heck, I wasn't going to do anything about my weight anyway. Tomorrow.

I don't remember what I looked like 10 years ago. What I do remember is that I never, ever would say that I liked how I looked. I always felt I had a few pounds to lose regardless of the weight I was at at the time but a few pounds was easy enough to lose... one day. I never liked how I looked in photos either so there are not that many of me over the past 20 years. That's sad in itself.  But looking back now, I would love to be as "fat" as I was 10, 15, or 20 years ago because it was 30, 50, 90 pounds less than today!

When I look in the mirror today, I only remember what I saw yesterday, and it looked pretty close to what I see today. Who notices a few ounces a day? The small things really added up though. 90 extra pounds! What was I thinking?!?! That's another whole person! What I see in the mirror today is not what I thought "100 extra pounds" looks like. The picture in my mind of "obese" were those people who need 2 seats at restaurants or those with a tummy that walked through the door a full 10 seconds before their nose did. 100 pounds overweight was what reality TV was made of. I don't look like *that*! I might have a little extra around the middle, the tush might be a little fuller, but look at that lady over there who's dripping off both sides of her chair - now THAT is what ONE HUNDRED extra pounds looks like... not me!

I've stayed right at this weight where I am now for at least the past 5 or 6 years. I've gotten to this weight and stayed put. I guess it has balanced out. I have been within 5 pounds of my current weight for a few years. I'm comfortably round. It didn't seem to bother anyone else and it sure hasn't bothered me enough to do anything about it. I do a lot of activities with the kids, have lots of friends, have a great husband and kids who never judge me. I am happy and obviously not too put-off by what I see in the mirror. It's only a couple of pounds.

OK. So that brings us to now. What has changed? Why now? Simple answer. Emily. I feel, I hope, God is using her to get through to me to hit me right between the eyes that things have GOT to change... NOW. Please understand that I am not saying God caused this. I take full responsibility for that. I feel God is using Emily as a wake up call for me to finally make "tomorrow" into "today" and see that I am the one who needs to undo what I have done to my entire family. Emily and I are not the only ones overweight, but they are just not as bad as the 2 of us. Everyone in my family eats the same meals but Emily and I are the two with the bigger hill to climb. And we're dragging the rest of the crew with us so that one day when they grow up and have families, they never have to have the guilt that they repeated the only things they learned from their mom about eating and do this same thing to their kids. I don't want them to ever have the hurt and guilt that I have -- a problem that could have been prevented.

So, what do I want to accomplish? Health. I now know IT'S NOT TOO LATE! It's never too late!  This is fixable.  Why this blog? Awareness, I guess. Admitting my shortcomings. And maybe saying what I have done might help someone else. Who knows. I know Emily and I are not the only ones with a weight issue. And if *I* am what "obese" looks like, then maybe this can be a wake up call for other parents to take ownership of their kids' health so the legacy they pass on is not pain, sadness, teasing, and sickness but rather health and happiness for a lifetime.

Emily's 11year-old, well-child, annual visit to the pediatrician was the beginning for me. Realizing I could not do this alone and asking for help was the first step. Being open to hearing the results and not pretending the elephant was not in the room was key. I had to hear it straight without any fluff. I needed that doctor to be straight with me because I was finally scared and needed to do something -- for Emily's sake. There was no time to protect my feelings. Call it as you see it. Me and my daughter were obese and her health was silently deteriorating.

Next was a referral to a friend who is also a pediatrician with an amazing passion for health and also works with overweight kids. It is such a God thing how our paths have lined up for the past few years so that I was open to receiving his help. Robert helped me develop a plan and told me how it was. I will never be able to express to him enough how I needed that straight talk. I wish more doctors were as matter of fact and straight forward.  But in the end, even with the facts, it all comes down to me. I could act, or make another excuse. In the end, the information is always there for all of us, we just have to choose to do something with it.  But it is easier to begin this huge change with a coach and cheerleader in your corner to help decipher the info and hold my hand day-by-day and help ME make a change and help ME understand WHY I was doing what I was doing and HOW it would help my child.  This is not something that can be written on a paper and sent away with a parent and an appointment to come back in 6-months to see how things are going.  This is intense and daily and overwhelming.  This is a LIFE change.  Robert didn't give me a flyer telling me to eat more fruits and veggies and skip McDonalds. I already had that meeting with a nutritionist a few years ago and it was useless. I knew that already. Robert did it different. And that made the difference.

Before now, I wasn't willing to do this work for *me* but now, I could, and I WOULD, do it for *Emily*. This was bigger than me now. God gave me this beautiful child and I was causing her pain. It was time to make "tomorrow" be my "today". And the clock was ticking.

So back to this blog... I've been oblivious to the obvious for so long that I'm hoping that by putting it all out there for anyone to see, I'll be able to face the monster I've created and conquer it. And if some one person can relate or be helped, than maybe we can trudge through this together. There are strength in numbers. But there is also power in ONE, and I am ONE, and I'm starting this climb on my own and taking my family with me. That's all I can do. But that is enough.


Now that you have an idea of the WHY I'm doing this, I'll start again tomorrow and let you follow the HOW. I do know that even if you don't have a weight issue to deal with, the HOW I'll share with you about HOW we are living now will benefit everyone. Fit or fat. And I have actual proof of it. I'll share that too. We are talking about our kids health here. No parent out that wants anything to hurt their kids so this process is teaching me not to hurt them with food. I have learned, and want to share with everyone, that food can hurt you. But I also love the fact that food can also heal. And the healing is beginning for my family. And it's working.

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